scared.

I'm scared. I am 20 years old and have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Since I was little I have gone through so many ideas of what I could be when I grow up and what is scaring me is the fact that I am essentially all grown up yet I have no idea where my life is going. I had to drop out of school due to financial and medical reasons so it will be awhile until I can get a degree. I have a wonderful job that I love but it barely pays the bills during the school year and only really pays in the summer. I know that I have more than most people but at the same time I have far less.  I live with my 77 year old grandma and its great, but I have the constant fear every day that she's going to die the next day and I am going to be left with no where to go or no one to turn to. My other family members are great but none of them actually care as much as she does or at least it doesn't feel like they do. I'm so scared of this happening that when she does die, I already have a plan of what to do and I am very ashamed of it because I have been fighting that demon for years and I really don't want to give in. I feel that once she does die that will be my only option and I hate myself for it. I guess I am  going to have to grow up and face my fears so I can avoid what I know is coming.