scared.

I'm scared. I am 20 years old and have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Since I was little I have gone through so many ideas of what I could be when I grow up and what is scaring me is the fact that I am essentially all grown up yet I have no idea where my life is going. I had to drop out of school due to financial and medical reasons so it will be awhile until I can get a degree. I have a wonderful job that I love but it barely pays the bills during the school year and only really pays in the summer. I know that I have more than most people but at the same time I have far less.  I live with my 77 year old grandma and its great, but I have the constant fear every day that she's going to die the next day and I am going to be left with no where to go or no one to turn to. My other family members are great but none of them actually care as much as she does or at least it doesn't feel like they do. I'm so scared of this happening that when she does die, I already have a plan of what to do and I am very ashamed of it because I have been fighting that demon for years and I really don't want to give in. I feel that once she does die that will be my only option and I hate myself for it. I guess I am  going to have to grow up and face my fears so I can avoid what I know is coming.

Moving On

 I feel like everyone I know is moving on to bigger and better things in life while I am stuck at home. I with  that I would have been able to go to CSU or UNC but for two years of basic education , I couldn't afford to live and go to school there so I ended up at Red Rocks. It really pisses me off when people look down upon me for going to school here because its the same classes they're probably taking just at a cheaper price. When I switched to Green Mountain I had a whole group of people telling me that by going there I wouldnt end up at a real college , that I wouldn't be good enough to get in. Those very same people are the faces I see pass me in the hallway every day when I go to my classes. How ironic. I guess I need to accept that this is the choice that is best for me and that I will be better off because of it, its just hard to watch life go on around me knowing I am sitting at home while everyone else is partying and having fun in college.

Sneetches

So this morning I went to math and we were learning about inverse functions of polynomials, joy right? Well my teacher thought it would help us understand if she told a story to make it easier. She told us the Sneetches story by Dr. Seuss. Its about two groups of sneetches; those with stars on their bellies and those without. the star bellied sneetches became the "higher" class or the it group. All of a sudden this guy comes to town and tells all the plain bellied sneetches that he can put stars on their bellies for $3, well they all jumped at the chance. Soon every sneetch was equal, they all had stars. The same guy told the original starred sneetches that he could make their stars disappear for $10, of course they all took him up on his offer so they could once again be the superior race. This cycle continued until eventually everyone forgot who the original starred bellied sneeches were and which ones weren't. So i admit it , I'm a sneetch! Everyone knows whats its like to be the one on the outside and feel like everyone looks down upon you and could care less what happens to you, I certainly do. I would have given anything to be one of the cool kids even if it was just for a day if it meant that for once I wasn't the one being looked down upon. I would have given anything to know what it felt like to have a true friend and not someone who talked bad about me when I wasn't there. It made me think that we are all sneetches in one way or another, always trying to impress a certain guy/ girl, a group of people, or even your family. In the end we are all the same regardless of how much wealth or popularity we have , its just that some people don't see it . Who would have thought that i could learn something about life in math class. 

I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you!

 Without Green Mountain I wouldn't have had the best year of my life.These are just a few of the great people green mountain introduced me to.

          Emily& Alanna: I met these girls on the first day of school when I went to lunch with them. Since the first day of school I went to lunch with them pretty much every day and had really interesting experiences.

          Gage: At Green Mountain the Crispe name is a pretty powerful thing. Both his mom and dad graduated from there. Gage himself was a football, bionic, lacrosse and all around superstar at school.  I first met him when I went to the bionic new student lunch but I didn’t really talk to him until the second semester of school. Ever since my first day whenever I saw him he always had something nice to say and always looked so happy.   He and I were in the same group for breaking down the walls and I learned a lot about him, probably more about him than the kids he had been going to school with for 11 years.  We started talking because an activity we were doing at breaking down the walls made me break down and start pouring tears and he just came up and hugged me. That never would have happened at D’Evelyn. Plus he’s my eggstravaganza buddy J  Gage is an inspiration to me and I’m lucky to call him my friend.

          Frankie!!!!! I met this girl on the first day of second semester at lunch. She was sitting by herself so I decided to go and sit with her and see what was up. I am so glad I did that because this girl is now one of my best friends. I can go to her with literally anything and we can talk and no matter the situation she finds a way to make it better. We planned a whole eggstravaganza and even though the school didn’t think it was awesome me gage and Frankie sure did!

          Everette: My first Green Mountain friend! I met this kid when he fell in my lap on the first day of our geology class. He looked up and introduced himself and said he would show me the ropes of the school. This kid is probably the craziest person I have ever met but that’s what makes him so awesome. He is an amazing artist and I’m glad I got the chance to meet him.

Maddie & Connor: The Faulkner’s. The first day of school I was sitting in my advisement class and this little blond haired girl turned around and said HI! I'M MADDIE! Well she happens to have the same exact name as my cousin: Madison Faulkner. We started talking about that and she said so you don’t get confused you can call me your midget since we are Faulkner sisters. That day these two boys went to lunch with me Emily and Alanna and I found out one of them was Maddie's brother. Well he ended up going to lunch with us most of the year and us girls had an inside joke about the hot pony WHERE?!?!

          Roxie: one of the nicest and prettiest girl’s I’ve ever met, this girl literally looks like Barbie! The first time I met her she told me I was super pretty and to never let anyone get me down. That advice helped me throughout the entire year. She was part of our blond trio in math, Maddie included, and it made the class so much fun especially when she talked to loud and the entire math class heard how hot she thought Mr. Brietskie was, which he was super-hot and shouldn’t be allowed to teach high school girls. Or when she and Maddie announced their and my bra size to the entire class unknowingly.

          Tyler : Everyone knows somebody like this kid , a hot guy who doesn’t know he is and is really a nerd but comes off as super cool who’s also kind of dumb socially but still really popular. I had four out of six classes in the day with him. We walked to every class; I tutored him in math and English while he helped me perfect my art. Every day was a new adventure especially when went and gathered random sticks and leaves to glue to our paintings cuz we got bored and our art teacher was crazy. He is the sweetest guy I know, I could call him anytime and he would be at my doorstep ready to hang out.

          Jordan: my gum buddy or should I say I’m his gum dealer cuz the first day of school in math he turned his head and asked if I had gum and he did it the rest of the year every day. Eventually our conversations got past gum and he turned out to be a pretty interesting guy even though people would make fun of us in the hall cuz he’s super tall and I’m super short so it looked really funny when we walked next to each other. I love this kid!

          Tyler Terhorst: I got asked everyday second semester in English if I was ok sitting next to him and helping him. You see this kid had just come back to school after being in juvie for almost a year and a half but I never quite found out what he was in there for. He would say things about his time in there like how he always got in fights and beat the shit out of guys who got on his nerves, if you couldn’t tell he has anger management issues. Since he was pretty much a year and a half behind my teacher thought it would be best for me to tutor him since I was so far ahead in his class. I got to know a side of Tyler that I don’t think many people ever got to see. Behind his tough guy juvie facade he is just a big teddy bear who wants people to like him but he scares them away with his juvie stories to protect himself form getting hurt. I’m glad I got to know the real him who would have thought I would become good friends with a criminal? P.s. Tyler my auto correct changed your last name to terrorist again!  I know it always does that to you J

          Molly : To all you Dennison kids out there, she was the girl who transferred to Dennison in third grade and got made fun of for Irish dancing so she transferred out of Dennison in fourth grade. Anyways I got the chance to meet her again when she was in my advanced painting class, now let me tell you something that girl has got some serious talent when it comes to painting. She is the sweetest girl and will talk to anyone who tries to talk to her. Go Super Senior Painters!

          Colin : Every morning of second semester he would be sitting in the cafeteria with me and Alanna during first trying not to fall asleep. I’ll admit I didn’t talk to him much outside of that during school but once summer came along we started hanging out a lot because my little cousin started dating his best friend and we were the friends who got dragged along in their dates. He is crazy not gonna lie, I went bowling with him and because the music was playing he wouldn’t stop dancing and humping things, the same thing happened when we went to a country bar.

          Hunter Owens: the first time I met this kid was about five years ago when a friend brought him to a youth group activity my church was hosting. At the end of the event he gave me his number and told me to stay in touch. We talked for maybe 9 months after that but then just stopped. Fast forward to the first day of school this year when we got assigned seating in Mr. Baeks environmental science class and guess who I was seated next to. It was like we never stopped talking and everything was the way it was five years before. This whole year we have spent getting to know the adult versions of each other. Now he’s like family especially since he is dating my little cousin thanks to me.

D’Evelyn made me a better student; Green Mountain helped me be a better person. When I first let my friends know I was switching schools all they could say was “don’t let Green Mountain change you”. Well sorry guys Green Mountain did change me and it changed me for the better. If I had stayed at D’Evelyn I wouldn’t have had such an amazing senior year.  At D’Evelyn they had 8 hours of homework a night whereas Green Mountain you could get an A by doing your assignment the class period before it was due. I was able to go to football and basketball games anytime I wanted knowing I would be in a huge crowd of people shouting cheers at the opposing crowds . I even went to winterfest with a sprained ankle because I was cheering too much at the game the night before and feel of of the bleachers. Green Mountain kids have school spirit because it’s a great school to go to. Sure it may not be first in the state when it comes to sports or academics but it was probably the best school to have a senior year at.  Without transferring I wouldn’t have met as many amazing people as I did and I wouldn’t have got the chance to do so many fun things. The second week of school I got to ride on the Bionic float in the homecoming parade which is a huge event in this neighborhood I live in. I met so many people like Emily, Alanna, Gage, Frankie, Andre, Everette, Maddie (my midget!) and so many others.  The person I am so thankful I met was Miss Austin but you guys will learn about her later. Just the stories of how I met these people are enough to show how great of an experience Green Mountain was.

Dear Dillon,

You were one of my best friends. You don't know how much I want to text you or call you even though I know there's no use in doing it. For awhile I was upset with you for not letting me know how you were feeling or what you were dealing with because you know I would have understood especially because of all of the stuff you knew about me. You knew more than anyone else from my joy of painting to the things you know I was too ashamed to tell other people. You never judged me regardless of what I told you, you were still there encouraging me and telling me that everything was going to be ok. You were like the big brother I have never had and I loved you for that. I can't help but wonder if there was something I could of done or signs I could have seen to try and help you somehow. I can't even explain how much I miss you. I miss not being made fun of because I was a klutz or had one of my blonde moments. I would give anything to get in an argument with you over wanting a dinky japanese car and you telling me that japanese robots were going to take over the world someday. I miss you so much Dillon and so many other people do, I wish you could see just how great of an impact you had on this world and how dearly you are missed. You will always be in my heart, I love you Dillon and I miss you